Dad I Miss You...
"Every man can become a father... It takes someone special to be a Dad"
28 August 2005
It was the 10th of July 2005, I had left for the weekend and I was with a friend going for swimming. My mobile phone rang and it was my aunt. She told my that my dad had fallen down from a tree and that he went to the hospital just to check that everything was OK because he had a pain in the back of his head. I was terrified actually but she ensured me that everything was OK and that she has just called me so that I could go to the hospital since I was near.
(My parents are divorced since I remember... I grew up with my dad. For the last 3 years I was living on my own since my dad had decided to go to his village to live. I am 24 years old.) When I reached the hospital I rushed in and I wouldn't be relaxed until I saw my dad with my own eyes and realize that he was OK. When I entered that room I saw my dad. He saw me and he tried to get up and hug me, but everyone tried to keep him on bed. My dad had several seizures and he was other times relaxed lying on bed and other times very stressed. He wanted to get out of bed and he was trying to but the nurses were trying to keep him down. At the end they tied him in bed so that he would take his tubes off etc.
He got very angry and he was swearing a lot. In the meantime we had the worst news from the doctor. They had found that he had 2 brain aneurysms rupturing and that we would have to wait for the haemorrhage to stabilize in order to proceed with surgery. If it didn't stabilize he had very little chances.
He actually stabilized but he was in a condition that I haven't seen my dad ever. He was so angry with everyone constantly besides a few moments. Then the big day came. The third day of the rupture we moved to surgery. As the doctors passed by with my dad on his bed semi-conscious (from medicines) taking him to the surgery room I was so weak and helpless. I was staring at him running behind him with tears being able to do nothing for the person that would do everything for me.
The surgery begun at 10 in the morning and ended up at 9 o'clock at night. I will never forget that waiting. They got him out and transferred him to the ICU where they would expect for his wakeup. The doctor said that everything went well but we would have to wait for the after-surgery outcomes and other complications. I was feeling partially happy for him making it out of the surgery room but also partially sad for knowing what to expect. (Let me note here that the doctors don't talk that much. Actually I spent hours and hours of searching in the internet trying to find out what could happens and what are the chances etc. I wanted to be as informed as possible so that I could be able to make the right question to the doctors.)
My father stayed in the ICU for 17 days. During these days we could only visit him for 10 min one at a time and we would also be "informed" from the doctors for his condition. (if someone calls informative the words "He is in a critical condition. We are waiting" These 17 days I was visiting him from Fridays to Sundays because I was back to work every Monday (located in a different part of country). I didn't took my vacation then because I thought that my dad would need me by his side when he would get out of the hospital taking care of him etc.
During these 17 days my Dad showed to my uncle and aunt signs of improvement. He was responding to questions that they asked him. And when they told him that I would be coming the next days because I was at work he would be trying to talk to them (not able though due to the tracheotomy) like telling them don't bring Demie here she would be sad. But this never happened during my visits. When I visited my Dad he was either in a vegetative state with his eyes open doing nothing or in a coma state.
I had so much power inside me. I always got in the ICU room having the best possible feelings inside me (because they say that ICU patients feel. I don't know) I was telling him what day it is where he is and why, that I loved him so much and that he was getting better every day and that we would move to a normal room soon. The 17th day in the ICU I was visiting with my Uncle. When we went to the doctors they told us that they would see no improvement and that he would move to a neurosurgery clinic room. I felt like loosing the earth under my feet. That was it I thought? I felt that the doctor had told me "That's all we can do you can take him now and do whatever you think."
We waited for several hours until early in the afternoon that they took him out of the ICU and moved him to a normal room. Room 204. In the room there was another woman approximately. in her late 60's with her daughters taking care of her. The same day two other cases like my dad's got out of the ICU. The other two cases where in a coma. Only my dad had his eyes open. A doctor would probably call that a semi-vegetative state. But I wouldn't. It's maybe because I knew my dad better than him or just because that's what I want to believe.
I spent the night of the 30th of August with my dad, next to him. It was his first day out of the ICU and I would be right next to him just like he would. I sat by his bed on a chair holding his hand. My dad was next to me with his eyes open not moving not doing nothing. Once in a while I felt his hand slightly moving. I was telling him how much I loved him, and that everything would be OK now. That he was doing better and that's why we were in a normal room now. I was telling him all the time not to worry that he could not speak and move and explaining him that it was due to the medication. And that they would stop the medicines slowly and that everything would be alright again. "I love you very much" I have no idea how many times I said that. And the reaction? My dad was crying and moving his mouth.... It's tragic I think. I believe that he was understanding but couldn't speak nor move... When I asked the doctor he said that it was very possible.
That afternoon it was the first time that a doctor actually talked to me. He told me that my dad was very critical and that he is not showing good signs. And that the family should be alarmed. (Why did they let him out of the ICU then...) I spent the night till dawn sitting next to him holding his hand and all the above mentioned. When the sun came up I told him that it was the 31st of August and that he looked better. At about 12 my uncle came with my aunt. His other sister. She would stay there that night so that I could go take a shower (our house was 2 hours from the hospital, I didn't have a car so I went by bus). My uncle asked him to blink his eyes if he understood us and so he did. I told my dad that I would be back and kissed him. That night at home I didn't want to sleep.. It was so weird. When I finally went to bed I prayed and said "God do your miracle." At that moment when I closed my eyes the phone rang! The phone never rings at 1:30 for good. It was my aunt She told me to get there...
I have lost my dad, my hero, my love the 1st of August. It's been 28 days without him... There's more pain still to come.
I wish for everyone suffering from an aneurysm or anyone having a loved one suffering with an aneurysm the best outcome possible. Believe in you and your loved one. Tell them how much you love them.. Be there for them... Always hope for them... And pray for them... Its a brain... you never now how it's going to react. I don't think that anyone knows.
Dad I miss you...
© Copyright 2005 Demie T.
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