Established April 15, 1995
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Leo (Sunflower) Martelon
3 February 2003
My name is Leo Martelon Jr., but these days I prefer being called "Sunflower". I am now a 34 year old man. My aneurysm happened when I was 31. My memories of things are somewhat vague. Seems more like a dream to me. Some of the things I do remember are going to work and feeling sleepy. I was a roofer. I owned my own company and was doing quite well with it. I would get up in the morning to go to work. By the time 9 a.m. came around all of the sudden I would feel the dire urge to sleep. I was just sleepy. I had gotten a full nights worth of sleep the night before and I did not know what was going on. I had thought that maybe I had encephalitic. But otherwise my health, my behavior, my overall personality was ok. I was loved by my friends and my family. And I had a bright future in front of me. I was just sleepy all of the time.
I was dating a woman and she and I got into an argument and she decided to trash my house. Yes drinking was involved. I picked up the phone and I dialed 911. I needed assistance from the police to settle this disturbance that was happening between me and my lady. When they showed up we were both arrested. Her for domestic violence, criminal mischief, and destruction of property. I was arrested for domestic violence. My punishment for domestic violence is I was put on Antabuse.
Well one night I had gotten home from a horse show and I had a six pack of beer in my fridge. I decided that I was thirsty and I wanted to drink a beer. Well Antabuse stops your liver from creating the enzyme that breaks down alcohol so when you drink you are poisoning yourself. Those symptoms are: red splotches on your skin, your glands swell up, and it increases your heart rate. I remember sitting in my living room watching tv and drinking a beer and all of the sudden I blacked out. I was conscious enough that I knew I needed to lie down. I crawled into my bedroom and climbed up on my bed. I was found the next morning by my 9 year old son. He dialed 911.
I was taken to St. Anthony's Hospital in Denver Colorado. I remember lying on a bed in there and there was all types of commotion going on around me. and there was this terrible bright light shining on me. My arms were tied down to the rails on the bed and then darkness. I woke up 2 weeks later and seen my parents standing by my bedside. They were familiar and I felt comfort by their presence. I remember my dad pointing at my son and asking if I remember him. I said yes. I did remember him. he looked familiar. but it did not register to me exactly who he was.
I was in a rehabilitation hospital for 3 months where I just wanted to go home. I felt comfort by the nurses who took care of me. I felt annoyed by my doctor who just came in it seemed like once a week and asked me a bunch of questions like, "What is the date, who is the president, where am I?" I remember telling him that it was 1986 and the president was Ronald Reagan and I was in the hospital. When in fact it was 2000 and the president was Bush? I think? I was given a memory book to write down my experience. I mostly had my visitors sign my book and write a little entry. My parents came to visit me regularly and I kept telling them that I wanted to go home.
While I was in the hospital I was in the state of euphoria. I was conscious, but everything was unfamiliar to what I had known of my life before. I was merely just getting out of bed and going into a group and talking with others, and eating lunch. And let me tell you my appetite has not been the same since eating that hospital food for three months. Well one day I got a visitor from a man who was a director at a place called learning services. I was told that I could get out of the hospital and go home and sleep in my own bed as long as I agreed to go to a day treatment center everyday. I was willing to do anything just to go home.
When I had arrived home my house was totally re-arranged because my mother had to stay with me to assure my wellness? I had to get up every morning and ride in a taxi to learning services. I was in that place for 9 months. The tasks they had there were pretty insignificant. Most of the people I was in there with were there as a result of a traumatic brain injury. not an acquired brain injury. I hated going to that place. I wanted to stay home and sleep. I guess that is a normal thing for people with brain injuries. Well I finally talked with my doctor and told him that I did not want to go there anymore. I wanted to return to my life and my job. he agreed and gave me my discharge papers.
I called my boss and told him that I was well enough to return to work. He had hired new people to do my job while I was out and it wouldn't be right for him to just fire them so I did not have a job to return to. So I stayed home and layed in bed. That's what I wanted to do anyway. One day this lady showed up. She was a life skills aid. She taught me strategies to use to compensate for my memory and made me get up and do my laundry and cook dinner and work in the yard and such. That was all good but what I really wanted to do was return to work so I could make a living for myself and my boy!
Well I was finally well enough that she did not see the need to help me anymore and it was time for me to start living. I was able to locate another job roofing houses but could not go to work cause when I was in the hospital, and learning services, and at home doing laundry Social Services decided to suspend my license cause I was not paying my child support.
Now today I am alive and well. I understand a lot about the brain that I did not know before. I have obtained an associates degree in a horticulture course and am now sitting in my house that my father pays my rent for. I am collecting food stamps and assistance to the needy and disabled. I don't do a whole lot these days. I get up. I make myself some food. I sit here for a while, and then I go back and lie in my bed. I don't watch much TV just cause I don't like it. I don't have the attention span to sit there and watch a movie. I spend all of my time with the radio on. I would love to get up and go to work but am not allowed to drive my truck to the job site.
I have received a lot of support from people I have met on AOL. There is a private chatroom called Brainstorm where we all meet and talk. That is where I met Patience and a link on her homepage got me to this site. Most of my deficits I suffer from now are not related to my brain but otherwise to the circumstances that happened to me while I was recovering from my sickness. I do have some memory issues, and the feeling of resentment towards this state and what they have done to me.
Update: 08 Nov 2003
I wanted to thank you for posting my narritive. Having that tool to print off on my computer has helped me a lot. I have taken it up to them people at Social Services and they have modified my child support to an amount that I can afford and now I am allowed to drive. I still haven't gotten back to work. The aneurysm disabled me to the point that I can't climb around on roofs anymore. But I do love my narrative.
Update: 22 Dec 2003
When I posted my last update I didn't meen for it to go on my narrative... Now I want to Update on what I know happened to me...
See I was a roofer... that is strenuous work... keeps the heart rate high... that sleepy feeling was my brain sayin' "Hey wait a minute.. I dont like this... we need to slow down... lets go to sleep" When I wasn't allowed to go to sleep I would become aggitated... I would scream out at loved ones.... that was the reason I was involved with Domestic Violence all my life.. I got in an argument.. or a "Stressed" situation and I struck out at her and was put into DV classes... There I was taught that when a situation like this happens I was to step away and call the police... I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!!!
I understood that I had issues.. was something I have dealt with my whole life... I used.. *sigh* "Depressants" (i.e. alcohol, marijuana) to keep my heart rate regulated... I didn't know that I had this thing in my brain... I just lived with this situation in the best way I could as a human being dealing with someting wrong in his brain that he didn't quite understand... I functioned fine and was a loving person just had that gawd awful sleepy feeling all the time... was mostly during work... when I was up working on the roof in the heat and lifting bundles of shingles and I would just get Sleepy.. not exhausted tired cuz I was in really good shape... I was just SLEEPY and I would get upset easily.. scream at people.. I was the boss.. it was my roofing company and my roofers took alot of abuse from me (gawd bless their hearts) and dealt with my issues of having to take off at 10 in the morning to go take a nap...
I had this thing in my brain my whole life and never understood it... But I DID know that I liked using Depressants... I dont drink anymore... Drinking on that Antibuse definately cured me of that... but I still need the depressants... my docs are looking into different forms of medications that will help... I say just let me smoke my Marijuana that I have been using since I was 14 and unaware of the "Medical" reason I was attracted to it... but now... thats a whole different webpage...
Now my Docs or... Parents??? or someone has recorded that I didn't have surgery.. it "dissolved???" huh??? was a capillary bleed and it scabbed over?? I dont know??? cuz I didn't have surgery... I guess I had a shunt placed in my skull to drain the blood??? and??? I still have "issues" as I call them... but now they are much more severe...
See one of the biggest problem with my type of injury is Memoree... and I remember before we would hop in the truck and drive across town to go do a roof and I would forget the ladder... (Gawd bless my crews hearts) my biggest concern now for myself is... what is the difference between a brain aneurysm and a hypertensive brain bleed?? cuz I still have the worst memoree... and high blood pressure causes me severe issues...
Antibuse is not the answer to curing high blood pressure people... pleese understand this to keep anybody else from suffering this terrible tragedy... How can we detect these little tiny "weak spots" in capillaries?? the State of Colorado needs to perform this check on people before they place them on antibuse... cuz ya know folks!!! thas what happened...
But why am I always still sleepy??? and my memoree is lowsy!!! is this thing still in there??? I still severely crave depressants... I dont screem out at people anymore... except my father of course.. (Gawd bless his heart too) Am I still at risk??? See the cure against Aneurysms is knowledge...
Remember to smell the flowers... just look at them... they are absolutely beautiful... its the simple pleasures in life we so often forget to enjoy
Update: 12 Apr 2004
People often ask me "Did it hurt???" No... I dont remember any pain... I remember the feeling tho... I could feel my heartbeat in my head... Ya know how when yer arm falls asleep and its like that tingly numb feeling??? I could feel that feeling in my head and it was throbbing at the same intervals as my heartbeat... I thought it was just the symptom from drinking on the antibuse... and then it got worse and that's when I decided... "Hey this isn't good... I need to lie down"
I tried to stand up to walk to my bedroom and I realized I wasn't going to be able to walk... THE LIGHTS WERE OUT!!! I was fading out of consciousness faster then I was able to walk to my bedroom... If you've ever seen the movie "Vanilla Sky" Tom Cruise portrays an Excellent example of how it felt when the "Lights went out"
I was not able to walk and that throbbing feeling in my head was So overcoming that I wasn't able to stay focused on my destiny... (my bed) I crawled... seemed like it took an eternity to git to my bed... have you ever had one of those dreems where you are trying to run but you just can't... like yer moving in slow motion??? That's what it was like when I was crawling towards my bed... was the longest journey of my life... I want to say that I can't remember actually making it to my bed... but I can tho... I can't remember making it to my bed but I can remember the sensation I got when I did get there and I layed down and died... It was a release... "I made it" now I can go to sleep... :)
It wasn't such a bad thing... the horror started when "I woke up two weeks later"
Update: 14 November 2004
And now someone is sayin' that I dont get SSDI? uhm... *clearing voice* HELLO! I had a blood vessel in my brain burst!!! How can anyone encounter a worse injury? I get A.N.D. (assistance to the needy disabled) which is 280 dollars a month and I get the same in food stamps. I've heard that they dont give aneurysm victims SSDI.
My Aneurysm happened on Oct 23rd 2000 To be COMPLETELY honest I dont think I deserve SSDI. What I needed was assistance from governmental agencies for around 5 years. My Dad has hired this lawyer who is going after SSDI for me. She's after 10% of the back owed sum which if she gets it will be a lump sum from the date of my injury...5 years worth of it or so.
Today to be completely honest and in writing I dont think I deserve SSDI. What I needed was assistance from Governmental agencys for about 5 years. Thats how long it has taken me to recover from this thing.
I put a roof on a house today! *grin* I have my life and my job back. If I'd had more assistance for these 5 years that its taken me to recover I wouldn't have lost so much. This site has been a life marker for me Thank you family.
Remember to smell the flowers...just look at them...its the simple things in life we so often forget to enjoy.
Update: 17 December 2004
Did I say that I wasnt disabled out-loud??? oops... Optimistic aren't I??? After that roof I put on that day I had this sudden pain in my lower back... I've been laying on a heat pad on my bed for the last two weeks now thinking about how disabled I am not... heh... Yesterday I had my first series of electro-shock therapy on one of the disks in my lower lumbar back...
When we consider the word disabled it usually means that I am not capable of working... Now am I capable of working at Taco Bell??? NO WAY!!! City Market??? NO WAY!!! I would get fired from those jobs within' a week... I'd either get fired or I would quit... one of the two... but I would not be able to hold a job there..
Putting a roof on a house is the ONLY thing I am capable of... and now that I am 36 years old and have spent the last 4 years lying on my BACK recovering from a BRAIN ANEURYSM I am no longer capable of putting a roof on a house I remember how to do it and I know the industry I am just not physically capable of it anymore... (that roofin' stuff hard work!!!) And that wonderful crew of guys who helped me have all moved on to other jobs... :( Yes that Aneurysm DID DISABLE ME :(
Update: 22 May 2005
Ya want to know what its like when something like this happens to you? I think my memories of it are well enuf that I can try to put it down in writing...
I was in my living room drinking that beer and I was watching my skin to see if it turned red (cuz that is one of the first symptoms of drinking on antibuse) and I remember feeling this "burning" sensation in my chest and it was rising up the back of my neck making me feel "flushed" with this vibrating sensation that was pulsating at the same rate as my heartbeat... And then my head started POUNDING with the same sensation you feel when yer arm falls asleep... (That tingly numb sensation) my whole body from my heart up was just going BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ as I was trying to crawl to my room (about 30 foot from where my couch was).
When I started crawling it wasnt just automatically crawling... I had to "physically" move my arms... (I had to think.. ok brain... shoulder... arm... forward... Ok got that done now other arm... ok brain.. shoulder... arm forward.... ok got that done... ok brain... shoulder.. arm... forward... ok other arm.... forward... hmmm? something is wrong... Oh yeah.. knee forward... other knee forward... ok other arm forward... ok hey look I'm crawling... I've made it 3 foot... I had to physically think my way all the way to my room... like I said before it was the longest journey of my life... it was instinct that was driving me to my bed... I dont remember climbing up on my bed...
I remember laying down and dying... then I remember being on a hospital bed and they kept saying my name over and over and over... "Leo" "Leo" "Leo move this" I wasnt able to respond... I was in my own whirled.. I was in a DEEP SLEEP... then they turned that light on me... that brite hospital lamp above the bed and it was shining in my face and I didnt like that and I tried to put my arms up to block the light and thats when they tied my arms down to the rails of the bed... once my arms were tied down is when I gave up and went OUT... two weeks later I seen my Parents and this "new life" for me started...
I tell you I am not happy to be here... I do know what its like to have a good life and this one... uhm? IT STINKS!!! I hope by making this entry that some people can actually get SOME KINDA IDEA about what this kinda injury does to a person...
Update: 12 October 2005
I do not know what it means because I havent ever gone thru this before but I had an interview with an administrative law judge... and that Lawyer who my dad hired did a VERY GOOD job... She convinced ME that I was disabled... I don't know what the outcome of the hearing was cuz I havent seen any money... or my dad hasn't seen any money... But I do know that my lawyer already got her 10% cut of the past due amount...
I have been living now for the last 5 years on what my dad allows me to have... on what he thinks is necessary... and I tell you he is the biggest penny pincher I have ever met in my life... I had to give up my nice house I was providing for myself and my child before my injury, and I live in a much smaller house about 4 blocks away from my dads apartment...
I lost all 4 of my trucks because they were old work trucks and if you don't do regular maintenance on them then you have troubles and when my dad took my trucks from me cuz my license was suspended they sat in the parking lot of his apartment complex for 3 years and rusted away...
The quality of my life has REALLY been affected by this injury and I am ONLY 37 YEARS OLD NOW!!! I've been living with this now for 5 years and... please don't tell me I hafta go another 37 years... hopefully when this SSDI comes in than it will get a little better... I will update again when I receive some kinda compensation... I mean IF I receive some kinda compensation.
Update: 18 October 2005
My father has still not received any money... at least that's what he tells me... I think what helped my SSDI case more than anything is I was allowed to return to work and failed at it... Along with that sudden pain in my back which ended up being a cluster of nerves built up on one of the disks... (It still hurts me) But while I was doing a roof... one day I left for the day and I forgot to take my ladder down and left my compressor plugged in and my boss ended up getting a call at 3 in the morning cuz of it and... My boss... a man whom I had been getting my roofs thru for over 8 years has decided not to give me any more jobs...
I tried working another job which lasted me two days of raking up pine needles and I just didn't go back... They asked me about my social life and I told the judge about how I am on the black list of every eligible woman on AOL and how I sit in front of my computer day after day being angry and... That judge did really listen to me... and I am VERY good at conveying my feelings into words...
I REALLY DID want to return to work... I THINK I was capable of it at first... See I wasn't allowed to go back to work immediately following being released from Learning Services cuz my license was suspended and I kept telling my dad "Take me up there to get it straightened out and he wouldn't do it cuz he knew that I would go back to work and that it would destroy my SSDI claim.. I mean... HIS SSDI CLAIM!!!
My Doctor released me to go back to work and my dad decided that I was going to have SSDI... I am REALLY MAD!!! I loved my job... I don't know what to do now... That guy that had been giving me jobs for over 8 years would have given me another chance but my dad called him and lied to him telling him my doctor wouldn't allow me up on a roof again so HE COULD COLLECT MY SSDI... My life is over... Yes I am going to live for a VERY long time... and that really upsets my stomach..
Update: 20 January 2006
How does a 37 year old man deal with the fact that the better part of his life is over??? I had A LOT more fun before. I sported a VERY NICE LIFE for myself and my son... (whom I am a single father to ever since his mom had a brain tumor 12 years ago and had brain surgery and I left her). I had a 6 bedroom house in a VERY NICE neighborhood... I had trucks... I've still got the boat... haven't used it since my injury but its out there... I had a college education for Joshua... I had MONEY!!! I had my wife...
Her name is Jan... She is the lady whom I got into the argument with that got me put on antibuse... I still love her with all my heart but she doesn't want a man whom cant take care of himself... she has enough troubles taking care of herself and she cant take care of me too... She has legal issues here in Colorado because she was ordered to take antibuse as well but she left town instead of eating that DAM PILL!!! (she is an alcoholic too)
I've done the research and listened to the doctors and therapists that tell me that this thing was in my head all my life growing and growing and it had gotten to the point of rupture and I was LUCKY that it burst in my living room while drinking on antibuse instead of when I was carrying a bundle of shingles up a ladder or working up on the roof and I DISAGREE WITH THAT!!!
Listen... Marijuana is a depressant... it keeps yer heart rate SLOW!!! even if you are working up on a roof... I had that pipe up on that roof with me EVERY DAY WHILE I WAS WORKING... I HADTA have it... I would get too stressed out without it... If I didn't have it then I was spending my time looking for some and let my crew get the work done... They liked it when the boss was gone... Sex coulda caused a bleed??? My wife will tell you that I'm a LOT better in bed after I've had a few beers in me... (Alcohol is another depressant that keeps yer heart rate SLOW) I WAS MEDICATING MYSELF!!! Instead they take that medicine and turn it into the opposite effect on me??? THAT PILL BOTTLE DID NOT SAY DRINKING ON THIS MEDICATION WILL MAKE YER HEAD EXPLODE!!! I didn't have a choice but to drink that beer... I NEEDED THE DEPRESSANT TO KEEP MY HEART RATE DOWN!!! I didn't know WHY... all I knew is that I needed it... NOW I KNOW WHY!!! :(
Antibuse causes an allergic reaction inside of yer body that increases yer heart rate A LOT!!! and it is an allergic reaction that will not slow down by drinking more beer... it will not slow down by laying down... it will not slow down by smoking pot... it is going to increase yer heart rate and increase yer heart rate and keep increasing yer heart rate as yer body digests the alcohol... They took my "Medicine" and reversed its effect on me... Antibuse is a chemical that is made in a laboratory.. it is a CHEMICAL that will cause injury to a person... A WEAPON is something that will cause injury to a person... what was my choice??? eat the chemical weapon??? or sit in jail for 90 days??? I ate the pill... Jan left town!!! that is why I adore her... she is so smart... she is the SMARTEST WOMAN I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE... (Tied with my mom)
But now I haft try to make the best of my life... I suppose I have my Dad and his SSDI income to take care of me for the rest of it but... I don't know what to do... I am seeing a Psychiatrist and I like him a lot... he has A LOT of experience with brain injury.. he tells me about some of the clients that I knew at Learning Services and it is nice to hear how they are doing.. I enjoyed my Horticulture hobby but I don't have the place to do it here in my new house that I got for my roofing company... I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO BACK TO WORK ROOFING... cant find any work tho.. Colorado has been in a drought for the last 5 years and when it doesn't rain or snow than yer roof doesn't leak... I found one Man who got me my jobs thru real estate sales and property transfer and that is the man who my dad told that my doctor wouldn't allow me up on a roof anymore...
My rehabilitation is finished... I am taking Depakote, and Zyprexa... (because of anger outbursts) and I am eating a lot of Vicodin cuz of my 20 year carrer of being a roofer and my sore back... (that cluster of nerves)
My Family Doc is monitoring my prescriptions and I am finished with doctors... NOBODY WANTS TO DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE... I am seeing a psychiatrist once a week and he was terminated when I won my SSDI case cuz Medicare doesn't pay for psychiatric help unless its prescribed by my doctor so I still get to see him thanks to me going in and BEGGING my doctor to write me a referral for him... I attended a horticulture class as part of my rehabilitation, (and my dads effort to obtain SSDI by not letting me return to work) and Colorado is in a drought and if you cant water yer flowers than there is no work there... if ya cant water yer lawn then there is no work there... Taco Bell is NOT AN OPTION for me... I am attending a music class in college but I am having troubles with it...
I raise my son... and I do a LOWSY job of that... if ya wanna know the truth... heh... HE TAKES CARE OF ME... its an awful burdon on a 14 year old boy... but he's been living with it ever since he found me in a coma 5 years ago... His mom has moved in to help me raise him... and help me keep a house together... (I do nothing but lay in bed day after day after day...) Guess what???? She has a BRAIN TUMOR and has seizures cuz of it and.... Tha boy raises both of us... and he got HIS brain from US!!! :(
I am in a bad mood today...
Update: 20 April 2006
I want to thank all of the family members here on our site for the WONDERFUL support I have recieved. A better support group COULD NOT be found. I attend a place here in Denver called "The Hangout" but these people are... they are much more severe than I am. I always want to help them and just try to get them the things that they want but I MUST remember that these people are different than I.
TBI is much different than Aneurysm and. Thank you everybody...it is nice to know that there are people out there who ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND what it is that I go thru. It is spring time and I am doing the best I can with my horticulture hobby and my kitchen counters are full of plants and flowers just waiting to go outside. I miss my job. I miss my house. I miss my old life.
But ya wanna hear a blessing in disguise? I've had three surgeries on one of the disks in my lower lumbar back. I had a herniated disk was the reason for that cluster of nerves that was giving me back pain so it looks as if my roofing carreer was coming to an end anyway. It was hurting me right where I usta sit when I was up there pounding nails. So after 17 years of building my own roofing company and never getting that hail storm that would make me...at least I have retirement now. Yes my dad gets my money and that REALLY angers me. Anyone else have these feelings of resentment from the person who gets paid yer SSDI??? Does anyone else GET SSDI??? I CANNOT believe that I got it.
I believe that I am capable of doing my old job. No I CANNOT sit up on the roof anymore but I was getting to the point where I didn't do much of that anyways. My crew did most the work and I could run that group of guys again. Two of them are still available. Would like to have a hail storm roll thru this town and give me a job. But waiting on an act of God is a hard thing for an athiest like me to do. I will probably need support for the rest of my life... Again THANK YOU FAMILY!!! :)
p.s. - I dont drink alcohol anymore. I've been sober 5 years now. Ever since Oct. 23rd 2000. I started the antibuse on Oct. 17th and that fatal bottle of beer on Oct. 23rd 2000 was the last drink I have taken. :) I dont even have the desire to drink.. I watch my friends drink and it makes me laugh. Makes me feel Superior. Even with a BRAIN ANEURYSM I am still allowed to drive my drunk friends home in my new 4-runner I bought with my settlement. Still life is so very different.
Update: 31 January 2007
I am making an effort at being positive but I am sad. I can't believe that everything that I spent my entire adult life creating for myself is gone. I miss my independence from my parents. My mother is a wonderful gift to me. She HELPS ME!!! when I need something she sees that I get it. She gives me money to go to the grocery store.
My Dad is supposed to be supporting me with MY SSDI he got, but its my mother who takes care of me. My dad has moved into a better apartment now that he got my settlement. And he bought himself another car. (He's already got 6 of them) His life improved a great deal when he got my settlement.
I dont have money. My child stays at moms house now cuz. Well cuz Children are dependants and they require money which I dont have. My mom has money cuz she worked her career for a number of years and retired with the benefits of her hard work.
I live in a house with my ex wife (Joshuas mom... Joshua is my son that found me in the coma.) My older boy Alex (whom my license was suspended for not paying his child support while I was in the hospital) died a month ago. He was only 19. He had a seizure disorder and he had a seizure that caused the muscles around his lungs to contract and he suffocated. (What a terrible way to go.) He is now at rest. And I am happy for him that he found his way to his destiny so quickly. I don't know if maybe he got the seizure disorder from my lame brain but it is a possibility (I think).
My wife, Jan moved to California to try to start her life over again. She has troubles coping with the changes my life went thru and she decided that she couldnt take care of me and she left me. I still talk to her via e-mail and she is doing ok. She is a very smart woman... She reminds me of times when we were together and she seen the problems I faced before my bleed. She helped me a lot when we were together.
She couldnt believe that I usta leave my house unlocked when I was gone. (Keys are a item that I always refused to acknowledge before my injury) I left my house unlocked and the keys in my truck cuz I JUST COULDNT DEAL WITH KEYS. I was ALWAYS LOSING THEM So I just refused to use them. I left my house unlocked and the keys in my truck outside. I lived in a NICE NEIGHBORHOOD where I could do that and not be worried about theives... NOW I live in a TERRIBLE neighborhood and I HAFTA LOCK EVERYTHING UP!!! GRRRR!!!
I enjoyed my life before the bleed. I was a very confident man and had ran my own business for 18 years and I LOVED LIFE!!! Now I am depressed. (Jan seen that depression and couldnt deal with it so she left me.) I don't do anything these days. I lay in bed day after day after day. This computer is my life. I don't really have friends. My employees were my friends but since I lost my business they are all working other jobs and don't have the time to hang out with me.
I NEVER WANTED SSDI!!! I WANTED TO GO BACK TO WORK!!! But if I were to have gone back to work than my dad wouldn't have gotten my SSDI settlement. I DO KNOW TO RUN MY ROOFING COMPANY. It is what I did for 18 years.
I sit here now... This computer is my life. I keep a journal online and I document everything I do on a day to day basis. A grumpy old man once said that when it is all over and done with and you are at the end of yer life laying on yer death bed the only thing you have left is yer memories. I won't have my memories. :( But at least I will have them written down.
Joshua is here with me tonite. He has a bedroom here and he is close to school. He spends a lot of time at Moms house but he comes here to spend the night occasionally.
I lost my food stamps cuz the food stamp department found out that I have SSDI which means I have income so I don't qualify for food stamps. But I DONT GET THE SSDI MONEY!!! MY DAD DOES!!! So now I hafta ask him to take me to the grocery store. [shakes head] I am trying to find a way that I can recieve my own SSDI money.
I am tired of life. It is a never ending struggle full of disappointment and being denied the things I want. I am sorry family. I tried to write an update full of positive words but my depression is getting the better of me tonite. I am seeing a psychiatrist and he has got me full of Depakote and Zyprexa. And obviously it isnt doing what its supposed to.
I envy my cat. Yes I have a cat. Actually I have 3 of them. I am a witch. That would be my "religion" of choice. Wicca... Jan taught me about Wicca and it helps me to have some sense of control over things that are not in my control. Blessed be family. I love all of you!!!
Rremember to smell the flowers... just look at them... they are absolutely beautiful... its the simple things in life we so often forget to enjoy...
Update: 31 August 2009
I have suffered a new handicap as a result of my aneurysm.. When my bleed happened I was in that hospital room and they were trying to feed me that YUMMY HOSPITAL FOOD!!! I found that "Chocolate is good!!" I've had a sweet tooth for the last 9 years now... Well I HAD sweet teeth... I got all of my teeth pulled out a month ago.. They were hurting me badly... I went in and seen my dentist and he said.. "They all gotta go!!"
I asked him.. "Why did my teeth do that??" He told me. "You dont brush them!!" *nods* he was right.. I lost my job.. Why should I get up in the morning and brush my teeth?? I wake up in the morning and roll over and open up my "Candy Drawer" and I eat a candy bar and wash it down with a Mountain Dew and go back to sleep... *shrug*
My son Joshua and I no longer have our own house to live in.. My father refused to pay my rent cuz the lowsy 631 bucks a month he recieves in SSDI dont cover the rent on a house.. I have moved back into moms house and am making this update from the same room I slept in when I was 14 years old.. I take care of mom now.. She's getting up there... 69 years old now and she cant move around as well as she could before... and she doesn't drive so I am her live in Taxi.. Mom takes care of me... *shrug* I have no other options now that my father spent my SSDI settlement and refuses to pay my rent anymore.. Mom took care of me... I will live in this house for the rest of my life... And its a NICE PLACE!!! I've moved my horticulture hobby over here and her yard is pretty incredible.. What is it with brain injuries and Horticulture??? I've got more flowers in this yard than has ever been here in the 40 years we've lived in this house... My neighbors always stop and look at my yard for a minute while they are walking the block... (They are incredible) Joshua has graduated high school.. Mom paid for his college education now that my SSDI payee realized that SSDI dont cover ANYTHING!!! It was foolish for him to call my boss and LIE to him and destroy my carreer.. But I guess the 30 thousand dollar settlement was worth it to him.. I hate what my life has become.. I was SUCCESSFUL!!! I had a beautiful house and a beautiful wife and my own business and a single dad and now I have what my mother left for me.. Brain Bleed is a life changing event.. And not a change for the better..
My anger is still my biggest disability.. Medicaid finally came in and supplimented my Medicare so now I can start seein' a psychologist again.. (Thanks to my probation officers reccomendation..) Thank You Marty... And I just had kittens!!! I have 5 little baby "Tribbles" (that is what I named all of them.. They took their mommas name) and they are all sharing my room with me now... YAY!!! *Clapping hands*
Joshua is off to college and is doing very well.. I am glad he dont have the memory issues that I lived with my whole life.. He has learned SO MUCH in the last 9 years cuz of my injury.. My son Alex is doing well too.. His struggles ended 2 years ago when he died from that seisure.. Death isn't such a bad thing.. Dont be afraid of it.. Its gotta be better than THIS RIGHT??? *shrug* Blessed be my wonderful family..
Update: 13 November 2009
When I started this narrative I didnt know it was gunna be so long.. I am sorry for carrying on and on and on about.. Well everything thats going on in my life.. I try to keep everything in my journal but there is one thing I have been a little reserved about mentioning here on my narrative and I think its time to say something because.. Well cuz its pretty tragic.. Remember about three years ago I mentioned that I was living in a TERRIBLE NEIGHBORHOOD 4 blocks away from my dads apartment?? Well I found something there in that neighborhood to replace my roofing carreer.. Something that has taken over my life... Something that has become more important to me than my recovery, and my job, my family, even FOOD.. I call it... "Chasethecrack" "Chasethecrack" "Chasethecrack" cuz it seems that is what I spend all of my time doing these days..
I started smoking Crack Cocaine.. :(
It is something that I decided 18 years ago that I wanted to quit doing cuz it is so addicting that it was taking over my job and my love for my child... I started smoking that stuff when I was like 22 years old... I spent about a year smoking it and realized how harmful it was to my life and decided my carreer and my kid was more important and I quit.. I went clean from the stuff for 15 years.. I didnt touch it.. My carreer and my child was more important... Now??? My carreer is gone.. My child is dead.. My other child is smart enuf that he makes his own decisions and he's 18 now anyways.. I've decided the best way to teach my remaining child about the dangers of that drug is to let him SEE WHAT IT DOES TO A PERSON.. Hopefully watching his dad struggle with this disease will be enuf incentive for him to NEVER USE IT!!! And I think I've dun a pretty good job at showing him how ridiculous it really is... He sees what it does to me and he hates it... HE WILL NEVER TRY IT!!!
I am also using it to express to my father how ridiculous it was to choose SSDI over my recovery.. I AM CAPABLE OF WORKING MY JOB.. But that goal was destroyed when my father called my boss and LIED TO HIM!!! I've lost EVERYTHING!!! ABSOLUTLEY EVERYTHING!!! EVEN MY MEMORIES!!!
Crack "Medicates" the dispair I feel.. Yes when I sober up I feel even worse but. *shrug* I just dont care anymore.. I'm kinda hoping I die from it one of these nights.. People have told me to "Look to God for answers" GOD??? Ya mean that guy who created me with a BRAIN ANEURYSM??? Yeah... I'm looking for him.. And when I find him I'm gunna sock him in the nose...
I'm really sorry "family.." I'm obviously struggling.. You guys are the BEST!!! Blessed Be my wonderful family..
Remember to smell the flowers... Just look at them... its the simple things in life we so often forget to enjoy...
Discussion, comments, or questions: Sunflower
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