It is very difficult to go back to the past. I regret a lot of things but I hope that this may help someone. It will help me to write down some of my feelings or just to explain what happened to me. I think the biggest question is could I have prevented the aneurysm.
In 1968 during my physical for the draft, I was told I had a heart murmur. That was a surprise to me and almost kept me from being drafted into the army. I really don't know how that happened but as far as I knew it could have been biological due to a childhood disease.
I was told in '94 that I had a large aorta but "small on the large end". It was measured at 4 cm. This was told to me by my family doctor. When I asked if there was anything special I had to do, he told me to continue doing what I had been doing and it would not be a problem. I wish that he would have sent me to a cardiologist or I should have taken action by seeing another doctor. I was 49 at the time (1994) and I was in my prime. Well in 2000, I had a rude awakening. My aortic aneurysm root grew to 5cm and I was told to have AAA surgery to replace my valve and root. This was found after I had undergone a radical nephrectomy for a malignant tumor of the kidney. My cancer surgeon was surprised and remarked that they would not have performed the kidney surgery if they had known about the aorta.
Well it happened and I survived the surgeries and it has been almost 17 months since the heart surgery. I wish I didn't have to have the surgery because it has changed my life. I am not the same person and I am going thru a lot of mental trauma. I still wonder to this day if I could have prevented the aortic aneurysm. I believe my aneurysm grew because of the stress in my life with growing teenage kids, and personal losses such as my parents. Medication I think would have prevented the aneurysm from enlarging. I believe it was my family physician's fault for my having to have heart surgery. I don't understand why my family physician didn't refer me to a specialist. I had ample insurance and money to confront this. Now all the money and all the insurance I have, won't bring me back to that initial statement..."Mike, you have a large aorta." It was a paradox, when my urologist told me at my cancer consultation in Nov '98, that I had to get rid of my right kidney. Then he added, "I also want you to have a check-up on your heart after the kidney surgery since your aorta seems to be large." I answered back, "I know it is big and it will be all right."
I was floored when I was told that I had kidney cancer. I never believed it would happen to me. My head was ringing and the only thing on my mind when I heard the ugly word "C" was to get the cancer out asap. The doctor who broke the bad news was one I found in the yellow pages. I was going to any doctor who would give me an appointment. I felt as if something was wrong. I hadn't felt good for a month and had gone to two other doctors. I didn't know how to break it to my wife and kids. I didn't know how to react but all I remembered was the Mayo Clinic I had gone with my father to find out that he had bone cancer and had only 3 months to live. After I told my wife and family, I was "forced" to find a different doctor because my friends insisted that I go to Sloan, Mayo or whatever. I did finally have the surgery with a "doctor's doctor" who was recommended by all my "medical" friends. Three months later, I was told I needed the Aortic Root and Valve replacement and that really floored me. I cried and broke down since I thought it couldn't be happening to me. It was a total nightmare.
I did the AVR surgery in Manhattan by a very good surgeon who specialized in doing aortic valve and root replacement. I had gone to two other surgeons for 2nd opinions and it was settled. I went into this surgery like I was a professional. I was not scared. I had the surgery late Tuesday night and was ready to come home on Saturday. I left manhattan on Sunday morning and went straight to grandma's house to have dinner. Couldn't believe how I felt. The recovery wasn't all that bad, but now I get the aftermath. That is the difficult part to handle. I have to be a chemist and I have to know my body. I am constantly reminded of my vulnerability to everything I consume or I do. I hate to go to sleep at night.
I wonder if there will be something developed that will help me to cope with this. I know that my medications help me with my depression, but at the same time, they cause other problems. I am certain I will pull through this, since I am here writing this. I recently met a resident cardiologist at Starbucks. He told me that I was doing excellent. Most people don't make it through the surgeries. I made it and I should go on with my life. I was very much relieved, and I was thankful that he offered his suggestion and time to me. This was more than some of the doctors gave me. So I am happy that I wake up each day.
Wishing all the best of health,