NARRATIVES
TALK TO A
ADVICE
Established April 15, 1995
University of West Georgia Disclaimer
23 June 2008
October, 2007: I am diagnosed with a splenic artery aneurysm, as shown by CAT scan. I immediately called my husband, my sister, and my best friend. "This is it," I said. The tears didn't stop for days - make that weeks. Why did I freak out? Because in my family, that word ANEURYSM meant certain death. I was just the first one to know about it ahead of time. My mother died of multiple brain aneurysms in 1990 at the age of 68. My brother died of an aortic aneurysm in 2000 several days before his 46th birthday. My mother's brother, my paternal grandfather, and I'm sure others we never knew about... Why was our family cursed? Every one of my 6 siblings, along with myself and my mother have/had high blood pressure. I just lost another brother in August, 2007 - pulmonary embolism 5 years after a kidney transplant. It was exactly a week before his 63rd birthday. I have another brother having a kidney transplant. Maternal grandmother - dead in the 1950's from multiple strokes. Maternal grandfather - several heart attacks. My dad didn't have HPB, but he died at 60 anyway. Bad genes? You could say that. Now here I was getting the bad news ahead of time. I just turned 49, and am the youngest of all the siblings. "Oh well, Peter (my brother) died in his forties," my sister said. She could afford to be so cold - she's made it 11 years longer than me.
How did they find it? By God's grace, I figure. Ever since I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, I've had this odd sharp pain in my right side. I had not dealt with it because I was "off doctors" for the time being due to a horrendous experience. The hysterectomy in 2004 was actually my fourth surgery for endometriosis. The disease was so extensive, that they had to use lasers to cut out my organs. Oops, laser slipped - hole in colon. I had a colon resection 6 days later. The obgyn actually tried to blame me, saying that I ruptured my colon by drinking milk after the surgery! After being treated like that and having undiagnosed toxic colitis for 6 weeks afterward, I decided I couldn't go through the anxiety of a malpractice suit. Back to how they found the aneurysm...
My new internist ordered an ultrasound of my abdomen, since I was showing liver enzymes high, and that's right about where the pain was. They found a gallstone, but also a spot on my right kidney, and a spot near my left kidney. What, now kidney disease, too? My mind was reeling, but it was about to spin. After a couple of CAT scans, they identified the left spot as an aneurysm on the splenic artery. What's odd is that the radioloist at first said nothing about it, until my urologist pushed for comments on it. "Yup, it's a splenic artery aneurysm," she said nonchalantly. Her next comment was "Why are you crying?"
Off to a cardiovascular surgeon I went, who admitted that he'd never dealt with an SAA before. "We only see them in autopsies," he said. Thanks a lot, I thought. "We'll just watch it," he added. I felt like I had been knocked off a moving train. "Wait, wait, wait," I said, but he offered no more help. So I went home and pounced upon the internet. There is scant information out there on SAAs. Thank God there is this website, so at least I knew other people with my diagnosis were out there, also searching for answers. Thank you especially to Violet whom I anxiously emailed for any word of hope in the situation.
The next weeks were spent voraciously surfing the internet, not for medical information (exhausted that option in one night), but for prayers that would work in my situation. I truly believed I would die soon. And I just couldn't handle it. My oldest brother had just died a couple of months ago - how could I be next? So I also searched for information on dying. Who dies, how to die, how to get over the fear of dying. I was like a whirling dirvish, scared, screaming, spinning out of control. What I didn't know was when it would happen. I looked up the symptoms of a ruptured aneurysm, so that I would be ready. Then every day I checked myself for the symptoms. It was crazy, and I knew I couldn't live like this. So in my ongoing prayer vigil, I prayed to God to help me find a way to deal with this. The answer came more quickly than I expected. I don't know exactly when it happened, but at one point I just let go of it. If I was going to die, then God is in charge of that. And guess what? It wasn't any different than if I was fine and He wanted to take me tomorrow in an accident. I'm not going to say that I've forgotten all about the aneurysm, but I have found peace in living with it. Yes, I've sized up my life; yes, I've made some arrangements for the future. But I started looking at my life and realized that this is it - this moment. I have trials, but I have great joys, and I try to live for those every day.
The upshot is that I'm taking better care of myself now, and am grateful for the blessings. What is in my future is up to the fates, but I am doing all I can for the best outcome. I was checked again after 6 months and the SAA has not changed. I am looking into going to Mayo Clinic for a second, more knowledgable opinion as well. Meanwhile, I wrote a prayer specifically for the sufferer of an aneurysm. Hope it helps someone.
My Creator,
Will you heal this aneurysm which pains me?
Keep me calm so that my blood pressure does not rise.
Calm and accepting of Your will.
I can calm my body
But calm my spirit does not stay.
Does my blood rush forth too fast,
Eager to sail forth with Your spirit?
Confined in this body I can not contain it forever.
Let the essence of me spill forth and be given to the universe.
Until I am absorbed into your love,
Dissolved into the solution of love.
No greater melting of my spirit
Into Yours.
Complete and incorruptible.
Discussion, comments, or questions: Clara Klein
© Copyright 2008 Clara Klein
All Rights Reserved - Fair Use
acknowledged
