My mind is a tornado of thoughts
combined with tears it becomes a hurricane
answers to questions I have sought
remain unanswered and my emotions turn to rain.
I am a natural disaster
had I known what I do now
I would have gotten to you faster
instead I'm left to wonder WHY and HOW?
Memories flood my head in waves
consumed with rage because you were taken too soon
how does God choose who he lets go and who he saves
water pours from my eyes like a monsoon.
I visited the places that you saw
and everywhere you chose to be
is just like you dad, created by nature without a flaw
I felt your spirit blowing free.
I knew you were happy by the gleam in your eyes
so full of wisdom and a generous man
Daddy, I miss you so much - sobs followed by sighs
to try and fill your shoes I will do whatever I can.
Because you are my hero and I admire you so much
I love you and you meant the world to me
your baby daughter will miss your comforting touch
now it's time to let go - the wind has taken you where you wanted to be.
Today is November 14th and my Dad would have been 58 years old had his life not been shortened by a completely unsuspected brain aneurysm. On July 11, 2000 I lost my father and my best friend. It is a day that will be etched in my memory forever.
My Dad had moved to Arizona in July of 1999. When he died, he was a week short of being there a full year. Dad had gone to Arizona on vacation with his girlfriend several years ago and immediately fell in love with the state. When he returned home to Virginia, I never heard the end of the stories or comments about Arizona. He ended up buying a house there and then after a couple of years of chomping at the bit, he quit his job in Virginia and made the move. I thought that him leaving was the hardest thing that I had ever dealt with because even though I was almost 30 years old, he had always been right around the corner if I needed him. As much as I hated to see him go, I was happy for him because he was happy. I knew that the woman that he was so in love with was going to take good care of him and that he was finally going to get to do the things he enjoyed.
The day that my father died and every day since then, have been (by far) the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. I can still remember my last conversation with him. We were on the phone talking about my father-in-law who was in the hospital due to some alcohol related problems. My father-in-law's life was pretty much touch and go at the time. The exact words my father said were "Kid, you don't have to worry about me because I'm not checking out for a long time!" He had been to the doctor recently for a check up and had received a clean bill of health. This conversation took place on Saturday morning the 8th, and by Tuesday morning the 11th, my Dad was dead. I'm still wondering WHY?
My Dad was the best friend I ever had and I am grateful for the many things he had to offer or teach me in life - his wisdom, his generosity and kindness, his humor, his pride, his comfort, the ability to be independent, and the list goes on. There was never anything that I couldn't discuss with my father and almost nothing that I didn't. He always understood me and stuck by me through my many mistakes. I was always proud of my Dad and everything that he accomplished. I wanted to be just like him when I grew up and I'm still trying. He is and will always be my hero.
I have comfort in knowing that my father died a happy man. He died in the house he was so proud of and in the state that he loved so deeply. I know that he didn't get to do everything that he had planned, but at least he got to do some of them. One of those things was getting married to my stepmom. He was married only 3 weeks before his death to the woman he loved more than anything. My stepmom fulfilled my father's life in so many ways that I wish he had known her longer than the 8 years that he did. My stepmom was there to take care of my Dad when he woke up in the middle of his last night with a terrible headache. She helped get him to the bathroom when he felt sick and when he couldn't make it back to bed, she lay down in the floor next to him. It gives me great comfort to know that my dad died quickly, peacefully, and in her arms. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Losing my Dad has created a void in my life that will never be filled. I love him and I miss him and I wish he was here for me to tell him one last time. I love his wife who I now refer to as MOM and as she tells me, "together, we'll get through this."
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