4 June 2004
Just two days ago, I received a phone call from my brother-in-law's father. The ringing phone had awakened me from a deep sleep at about 1:00 o'clock in the morning. The words he said will stay with me forever. "I hate to have to tell you this, but your sister died today." I couldn't believe it. I was -- I am --in shock. My sister was like my other self. She was truly my soul mate. We had been close since we were children and were recently closer than ever. My parents and brothers had decided that I didn't really fit in with the family and so had broken all communication with me. My sister, then, became closer than ever. I have also felt very close to her husband and children, visiting them in another state every couple of years. She has also visited me, both in other states and in Europe, where I now live.
Losing my sister to a brain aneurysm is the greatest blow I have experienced in my life to this point. I only hope that she didn't suffer, physically or mentally. I hope that she died instantly. She got the kids (8 years and 6 years) off to school in the morning and started about her daily chores. Her husband had left for work earlier in the morning. When he returned home in the afternoon, he found her on the floor of the basement utility room. She was cold, and her skin had turned purple. The was an untouched cup of coffee on the kitchen counter, and the coffee pot had burned dry. There were phone messages from the school, inquiring as to why the children had not been picked up after school.
I am on my way (from Germany) to the USA for the funeral tomorrow. It was very difficult to make the arrangements for such a long trip so quickly, but I realized that I needed to go to say "goodbye" to the most important person in my life. I think that I need the closure a funeral can bring. Further, I may be able to be of some comfort to my brother in law, niece, and nephew.
I know that the shock of losing my sister will stay with me for a long time – probably forever. I believe, on some level, that everything happens for a reason and that questioning things that can not be changed is pointless and a waste of energy. However, the pain is incredible, and there are moments that I can't understand how I will survive this loss.
At the moment, I am focused on the pain that my sister's immediate family must be feeling. However, I know that soon I will feel even more deeply the tremendous loss for me personally. This is a rather rambling narrative, but I appreciate the forum for getting these feelings out.
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