Still Have This Feeling Of Not Being Myself
25 September 2004
This past spring I began having strange symptoms like slurred speech and erratic behavior. After a series of tests, it was determined that I had an aneurysm, but luckily it was still intact. Three longs weeks later, I had surgery to correct the aneurysm.
I breezed through the surgery and the recovery only to be debilitated by the neuropathy that sometimes accompanies recovery. To this date, I have taken many different drugs and undergone occipital nerve blocks, to no avail.
While I am extremely thankful for the outcome of my surgery — I survived with no noticeable physical disabilities — I still have this feeling of not being myself. My memory is poor and I am very strange — even to myself. Work is such a challenge and my attention span has really suffered, especially when the neuropathy is at its worst. I also suffer from depression that sometimes accompanies chronic pain.
My faith and others' prayers have sustained me thus far. I am grateful to have had a wonderfully skilled surgeon and excellent care from the medical staff and my family.
Update: 4 April 2005
Hello, everyone!
It has been just over one year since my craniotomy to clip my aneurysm. I am feeling so.... much better now. It took nearly a full year before the fatigue I felt most of the time to leave me. Occasionally, when I feel that sense of tiredness, and I give myself permission to rest and things are better. I still sleep for long periods of time, especially Saturday and Sunday, when I can. I know it's not medication, because I'm not taking any.
I am afraid to complain to anyone because it could be so much worse. I know that I have been extremely fortunate in my recovery, and for that I am eternally grateful.
There are a few things that I've done while recovering that I feel have helped me recover and return to work only 6 weeks after my surgery. One was to find an online site with language games to stimulate my memory. Scrabble, Literati and other games made me think and act quickly. Initially it was a struggle for me, but got better each time. Crossword puzzles also challenged my memory. I played a lot of cards also--and sometimes very slowly, but I played. Thank God I have a patient family!
I still have a few challenges that you all might appreciate. I have times when words escape me and thoughts flee. There are times when my short-term memory fails and then other times when I do something completely out of character--really bizarre things. Frequently I wonder who this person is. I attempt to accept these changes with laughter--maybe not right away, but soon after. Work has been such a challenge for me with these changes. I thank God every day that I have a terrific boss who looks the other way when I have forgotten something, or do something erratic. I thank God every day that I am alive and have new opportunities each day to make a difference!
Now lest you think that I got off scott free, let me say that there have been some significant changes in my life. I was a musician--a singer. I had a career as a church musician--these things that I loved dearly I can no longer do as a result of my aneurysm. I am so grateful that I had these opportunities and have great memories of wonderful experiences. I can still hear well enough to listen to beautiful music, so I do. I'm thinking about brushing up on my piano skills so that the music in me can still be heard.
So, to all of you, keep it up! Don't give up! Find another way to say it or do it! It may not be the same, but it can be something that will be meaningful to your life and the lives of those around you.
God Bless you all.
Discussion, comments, or questions: Montez Coyle
© Copyright 2004 Montez Coyle
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