My Biggest Fear...
3 June 2005
I am the wife of Christopher Blair, an Aortic Aneurysm survivor. My husband and I are very lucky that we have survived not one but 2 Aneurysms and we have chosen to live life to the absolute fullest. We have 2 children age 8 and 9; they also have been through these ordeals with us. I know that my husband comes to this web site for support and I know that is comforting to him to know that he is not alone. So this is why I am here.
I do try to talk with my husband about how this is affecting me, but it is hard sometimes because it is such a sensitive subject. You see my husband is and has prepared himself for death, not that he will die tomorrow but it is a possibility... it is reality. The problem is how I prepare myself.
We have prepared our lives for the future with out him in every aspect as far as money, insurance, paying off bills, wills, etc. All this is good, but how do you prepare for being without a loved one.
We seem to grow closer everyday and try not to take life for granted, we look at every minute of every hour as if it were the last and this may sound odd but in our world we have fought death twice. This last open heart surgery was an eye opener for my husband and I, in fact I said to him that "God must need you here for something, what it is we do not know". We don't dwell on my husband illness but it is a constant thought, we talk sometimes but we hug and smile more and we tend to keep the tears for happy times now.
I have tried to talk with family and friends and I think that they are caught off guard sometimes because what my husband and I know is what they think but are afraid to say, their advice is supportive and I know they care. I guess what I need is someone to tell me that life without someone you love is hard, but you will live and you will remember them.
My biggest fear is that I will not be able to remember what he smells like, his face, the way he picks on me, and every other detail that I love about him. When I told him this he just said, "I think about that all the time".
In his perspective it is will people remember him, will our kids remember the fishing trips, the advice and talks they have, the thing my husband doesn't know is that they worry about all of this too!
Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with my own feelings while still being supportive to my husband? Am I worrying to much? How can my family deal with this in a way that we can all express our feelings without dwelling on it? Do I make any sense?
Jennifer's husband, Christopher's narrative.
Discussion, comments, or questions: Jennifer Blair
© Copyright 2005 Jennifer
Blair
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